Daring Greatly and Coming up (very) Short

Nearly two weeks ago I raced Ironman Wisconsin and DNFd. In my wildest worse scenarios, not finishing was never on my horizon or entered my realm of possibility. See, I know the risks the Ironman brings and the how the day can go from good to bad quickly. But, I have never personally never not finished a race. And, I have had my fair share of shit happen (flat tires, off course, running from port-o-john to port-o-john, etc). But, be taken off the course? Never.

In 2019, pre COVID, I knew I wanted to race IM WI in 2021. It was a course that flat out scared me and one, frankly, that does not suit my strengths. I had grown tired of playing it safe and I wanted to do something that scared me a little bit. Plus, a race that I consider my hometown Ironman and one where I could see friends and family out on the course excited me.

I went into IM WI with a few goals, but the #1 goal was to win my AG. I realize I cannot control who shows up, but for me as an athlete, THIS was my "WHY" or my north star. Sometimes, I think we are afraid to say that. Afraid to say our bold goals out loud -- OR afraid that we may fail. Or what would others think? I really did not care about that - I needed that for me privately. I don't need much motivation to train and be consistent, but I needed a goal that scared me a little bit but was also not that unrealistic. And, deep down inside, I knew this would be my last IRONMAN as an athlete. So, I wanted to end the Ironman racing with no regrets.

Like most Masters athletes, I had a few niggles early in the season that I was able to work through and thankfully arrive at the start line of the IM feeling 100% physically. A feeling and place I never take for granted anymore.

Luckily, I had a large group of athletes racing IM WI, so this season was fun to share that process with them. And, to share the race weekend with them was special as well. I really enjoyed this part of the journey.

I entered the water in the front group of swimmers and knew I would swim 1:00-1:05. Well, I sort of did (came out in 1:06) but I hated the swim. I was SO hot and pretty miserable (shocked my this). I was pulling on my wetsuit all the time. In hindsight, I was overheating (and it was not hot outside, humid, yes, but not hot). Jerome told me I was in 2nd out of the water. Considering I had a bad swim (and my slowest ever), but I was in 2nd, so that was fine with me. I did not think twice about it and carried on.

Got onto my bike and the stress about getting a mechanical was high (The roads are shit on this course). But, I ran tubeless tires and that helped my anxiousness a little bit on those roads. Not much to say on the bike, I was riding well, feeling good, NOT over-riding and maintaining my 2nd place, in fact, I was in 1st for a part of this ride too. Then, I just felt blah, tired and was getting slower. I just figured it was the fatigue of the day and I was still not getting passed by anyone in my AG, so again, I just carried on.

I came into T2 in 2nd place and headed out on the run. Ironically, for as crappy as I felt on the bike, I felt AMAZING on the run. I was running what I planned on running and eating/drinking and I LOVED the run. I saw friends, family, so many encouraging people - Ah, this is why I chose IM WI - for this support! I was having a great time.

Next thing I knew, I felt dizzy (around mile 14.5) -- I went from feeling good with only about 30 seconds of warning to BAM, on the ground. I fainted and that was that. I felt dizzy, fingertips tingly, and I immediately lost all body functions (I crapped myself massively -awful, I was throwing up (not aggressively, thank god)) and had tunnel vision and next thing I knew the volunteers were calling the paramedics, calling my emergency contact (Jerome) and helping me. I had lost all control over my body. The look on Jerome's face - I hope that image melts with the weeks that pass.

MANY wonderful racers ("I am a Doctor, what do you need?") stopped to see if I was ok. Jenny Thacker, ER Dr, and one of my athletes even stopped to make sure I was OK. The truth of the matter was that I did not know. Honestly, I was a little scared as the paramedics arrived. I could tell, I was not in a good place.

You know when we joke, "Don't worry if you go too hard, your body's central governor will not let you die!" Well, I am here to tell you, that is absolutely right! As the Doctor said to me, "Your central governor (vasovagal response) stopped you fast and hard - at that point, it was too late and you had no choice."

My blood pressure was 80/50. My EKG was clean (thank god), my blood sugar was 145 (good). I just royally screwed something up. And, I could not figure it out (at the time).

The paramedics brought me back to the Ironman MED tent (as I refused the ER) and I was able to get an IV, get anti-vomiting meds in my IV and get stable and warm. I am grateful for the help these medical volunteers gave me, they were wonderful.

The rest of the 10 days post IM WI were a blur. I sat in a chair (against the DR's requests) near the finish line and cheered on all my athletes and friends. I spent the week post IM talking and reading through race recaps, data, and happily going over race results and everyone's days thinking to myself, "I cannot believe you are the only one who messed this day up!"

But, when I laid my head down each night, I kept playing my race over and over again. I just could not get any clarity or peace on it. I looked at my bike data, I re-visited what I ate/drank/salt 100 x in my head. I just could not get clarity on it and every time someone asked me about my race or what happened, I felt like I was getting kicked in the gut repeatable.

Finally, a week post IM, I had some clarity and finally figured out what happened. I just fucked up my fueling - hydration more importantly. I did not anticipate over-heating in the swim and how much that put me in a hole -- so that compounded as the day went on. The challenge is why I felt so good and ran so well for 14.5 miles - and how I immediately went from great to bad. But, the DR thinks my osmolality was off because I was so dehydrated and kept taking salt tablets, etc. And, the more I think about that, the more I believe that is exactly what happened to me.

But, I am here to say that is a tough pill to swallow. From someone like me, who spends my days talking about fueling, hydration, troubleshooting your fuel plan, your HR plan, etc - to me really messing that up. I could not wrap my brain around it for days and days. And, as a coach, I could not separate the massive error.

See, everything is so different for me now. I am overly affected by heat (FWIW, the day was not hot, I was just too hot in the water, etc). The way I manage fuel, salt, caffeine (cannot have much now- big change!) is different for me as well. Things I worked on in training and even used a RD, but at the end of the day, I still screwed something major up. Again, a tough pill to swallow.

I was just numb and embarrassed. Do you ever have those moments where you want to just lay down and cry but there are no tears to cry? That is how I felt for days and days post IM. I was exhausted both mentally and physically and just could not face the reality of the DNF, the fact that I messed up and ending the IM that way. I wanted to end the season tying up a bow on a nice, little package and go eat apple cider donuts. Isn't that what we all want? So, when that does not happen, how does one process that so one can move on?

To help move on, I reviewed my season. Initially looking back, I was not overly happy with my season initially - or last 18 months of racing. And, then, I realize, WAIT a minute.....I did 3 x HIMs -- was 2nd OA at one, and podiums (top 5) at Steelhead and FL 70.3. I won an OW swim race overall, 2nd OA at a Sprint Tri, etc....I needed someone to slap me. I never got that slap, but trust me, I knew it and realized then and there that while it was not my best season, I needed to give myself some grace. This year has been a big learning year for me as I enter uncharted territory - but realized I was just being too hard on myself and there was a disconnect between my training, my racing and what I can realistically do nearly 30 years into my Triathlon racing life and with nearly 200 multisport events under my belt.

I also think athletes are quick to blame others instead of looking at the hard facts about themselves instead. They think the training was off, training plan was off or taper was too long, or too short or one did not bike or run enough. Nope. Not usually the case. This is a time to reflect on YOU. And, take ownership of the mistakes that were made on race day. And, learn and evolve.

There will not be any redemption race for me. I have done that before and it does not usually work very well. :) I can walk away from racing the IRONMAN knowing I have accomplished all I have wanted to at that distance (aside from IMWI). And, can be at peace with that. Now it is time for off season. Cross riding, trails, hiking the Grand Canyon and getting my social life back that I so desperately missed during all this silly IM training :).

Thanks for all the support. I was convinced after my DNF at IM WI that athletes would think -- "Whoa, Jennifer really messed that up - I don't want her to coach me!" And, honestly, it has been quite the opposite response. I think this made me even more relevant because I understand the heartache that comes with a DNF and now how to emotionally manage that and what to say to athletes. So, thank you for all who reached out to me. It did not go unnoticed. Although my house looks like a funeral home (so many flowers!), I am here to say, I am OK and can now lay my head down at night and sleep peacefully.

A friend sent me a quote that got me through some of the nights post IM and it resonated with me:

“It is not the critic that counts; not the man who points out how the strong man stumbles, or where the doer of deeds could have done them better. The credit belongs to the main who is actually in the arena, who face is marred by dustand sweat and blood; who strives valiantly; who errs, who comes up short again and again, because there is no effort without error and shortcoming; but who does actually strive to do the deeds; who knows great enthusiasms, the great devotions; who spends himself in a worthy cause; who at the best knows in the end the triumph of high achievement, and who at the worst, if he fails, at least fails while daring greatly, so that his place she never be with those cold and timid souls who neither know victory or defeat.” — TR

Onward and upward.